So this is summer...

It has been a pretty lazy summer... so much for my dreams of great achievements during these two months or so of freedom.

I've been reading a fair amount. I've done absolutely no philosophy reading though which I promised myself I would do. I think I overdid the whole 'philosophy' lark during my revision. After taking those exams, I never wanted to see anything philosophical (or economical, or biological for that matter) again. Which is promising considering I'm hoping to start a degree in it in September.

Bringing me, inevitably, back to the matter of my A levels. It is nine days until I get my results. The cautious optimism which I possessed at the end of my results gradually evolved into full blown apathy throughout the month of July. Now it has ever so slightly moulded itself into the familiar frame of sickening nerves, no doubt to move on in a final change to crushing disappointment.

Oh, aren't I the cheery one? Always looking on the bright side of life, that's me.

I don't know if it's the distortion of time but thinking back over the actual content of individual exams gives me absolutely no respite. I remember what I wrote and cannot believe that I ever possessed a shred a hope. As I said, perhaps this is just me exaggerating the flaws of what I wrote and forgetting all the good points as time has gone on. It has, after all, been nearly two months since the majority of my exams.

It's no use discussing it. What will be, will be. And all those wonderful, totally unreassuring cliches. I should concentrate on enjoying my summer whilst I still have it.

The sun is shining.
And has been for many days now.
And yet I am not sunburned.
It's all good.

That was not a poem. I realise now after writing it, that at first glance it looks dangerously like one. It was merely a train of thought. I am not yet so despairing that I feel the need to write second rate poetry. Especially not in an online blog.

Anyway, I am feeling hungry so I'm off to make myself some breakfast and fix myself in front of the television (the joys of SkyPlus) to waste another morning in front of Australian soaps and MTV.

The good life.

Panic, perhaps.

It's funny. I didn't think I'd been away from here for too long and then I read my last entry to find out that it was the day before I got my results from my January exams.

Needless to say, the results for those exams were relatively disappointing. I got a B in economics when in all honesty, I need an A for my university offer. Biology results were fine, and left me only needing another six points to get an A overall.

Anyway, I have taken all but one of my final exams in the past four weeks. I didn't deal with the pressure very well and I'm not sure how well I did on the exams. I revised a lot. But because I'm on the absolute borderline of "Will I, Won't I" get my AAB I panicked incredibly in the knowledge that this one extra mark here could make the difference or this little bit of knowledge there.

I'm tempted to say it would be better had I been a long way off my grades because then you can give up hope and start making alternative plans. The fact that I was - to use the old cliche - so close yet so far - made me develop an almost compulsive obsession with knowing absolutely everything I could. I stressed myself out incredibly so, making sure that I maximised the points of every question I could.

In the end, I think it possibly did more harm than good. I was so worried answering my question directly to the mark scheme that I forgot to actually think for myself and write a decent, well structured, knowledgable answer. In reality, I verbal vomitted onto the page. As soon as I read the question, I'd be off, not thinking what I was writing, just attempting to let everything I'd learned rush out into one incoherent, tangled mass of desperation. Perhaps I over exaggerate. I just know it wasn't my best.

I have one last exam tomorrow. It is a resit of the Economics exam I got a B in January. Motivation is at an all time low... which is why I am procrastinating by writing this. Part of me says that I already have a B in it so theres not much point in resitting it. Part of me wants to give myself a kick and tell myself that its only a few hours of revision that I need to do and that if I miss my grades by a few marks I will never forgive myself for not taking this resit seriously. As you may be able to tell, the former part is currently winning.

Oh well.... it's only my future.

Addiction

I have a bit of a fake tan addiction.

I had never worn fake tan before Saturday. But Saturday morning I opened my socks drawer to find a bottle of fake tan moisturiser - normal to dark skin - lurking. I am ghost pale. So naturally I thought... why not? Why not cover myself in totally unsuitable fake tan when I have to work tomorrow and then college for the rest of the week. So I did. Initially I just put one coat on my legs. A few hours later I checked for any signs of that "you know when you've been tangoed" look but surprisingly (and weirdly disappointingly) I found they had only gone a tiny tiny bit browner. Another coat? Why not. So I applied another coat. The next day I woke up and decided I should apply one more coat. Just to see....

I have now found myself in the position of looking healthier than I have done in quite a while. Its good. However, I still feel I need to push it that step further.... just one more coat... just to see. Its like in school chemistry experiments when you specifically get told to put ONE SPOONFUL of this power in that liquid. So, naturally, you put three in. Just incase.

Anyway, here I am, planning my evening to apply one (or two) more coat(s) before I settle down to watch Marie Antoinette.

I get my A level module results tomorrow. I like to think I'm expecting the worst so I won't be disappointed but I know that deep down, I really am being quite optimistic in my predictions. So yes, I will be disappointed... whatever happens. Hopefully I won't be too devastated to update here though.

Insomnia

I woke up at 2am. Its now 5:22 am and I have finally given up trying to get back to sleep. This happened last night too but I did manage to get back to sleep around 4am. I hope it is not becoming a habit. I'm considering whether to take today as a sick day. I really can't be bothered to go in, there is a work deadline I will fail to meet and quite frankly, I reckon I will be sleep deprived. Even though I feel more wide awake than I have done in the last 7 years or so.

I went to see Blood Diamond yesterday as a 'college trip'. Something related to development economic... of course. I really liked it except the whole relationship between Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Connelly was just annoying and cliched.

I'm going to a party on a boat on Monday. Its someone I know vaguely's 18th and my friend Katie has invited me to come along. Its Hollywood themed so I have an excuse for shopping. I'm looking forward to it a lot.

Anyway, I'm going to finish this and browse the internet for some mindless game to play that will help me fall asleep. With my luck, I'll probably feel suddenly tired round about 7am.

I Love Winter

I haven't updated this in quite a while. I'm now back at college after half term, unorganised as ever. I know I have a lot of work to do, I've just forgotten what it is.

And my plan of spending no money whatsoever has slightly failed. I somehow spent £50 on underwear that I didn't even need/want. And yesterday I realised it was triple points day at Boots (!) so I rushed to the big boots in Staines just before it was due to close and spent £26 there. I got £2 odd in Boots points that I won't use anyway.

My working hours have been increased by halfff an hour a week. Mainly because I couldn't do the job they wanted me to do quick enough. So that adds an extra £2.5o to the bank account each month.

I've realised I should stop talking about money. It may seem from all these entries that that is my one obsession. Its not. I do have more aspects to my life (honestly) but I just find that if I write this as a step by step 'what happened in Rachel's day' it gets really boring. And I find that if I talk about certain people I get paranoid that they'll read this and end up deleting entries anywayyy.

But yes, I start work in just over an hour. I actually quite like working around christmas. Its probably because its cold and miserable outside and at least the shop is bright and busy... And we've got all the decorations and wrapping paper and gifts in. Its probably just because I like winter. I like the cosiness of boots and scarves and hats and coats and the dark evenings and lying in bed listening to the rain. I know that I'll think differently when I have to walk to college only to find when I get there that my hands are too cold to even hold a pen and I have to wait at least half an hour for them to thaw out.

Anyway, I should start getting ready for work.

"I am not to spend ANY MORE MONEY"

I am not to spend ANY MORE MONEY. EVER. within reason.

In this month, I have spent all that I saved up in the past year. In four weeks I have spent what it took me twelve months to earn. nicht gut.

And its not like I bought anything productive. Its just been clothes, shoes, food and going out. Oh, I bought a laptop but it was only £399.

No more Smallville boxset for me. Although, I'm thinking that with the damage thats been done to my bank account, another £30 wouldn't be missed. Hmm.

Le Makeover

I've just spent quite a while changing the look of this blog. I've wanted to do it for a while but never quite figured out how to. So commenced a painstaking evening of trial and error to see which bits of html affected what.

Plus, I spent almost an hour making the background; cutting and pasting random blocks of newspaper text off the famous google image search onto paint.

There are still a few things to change but overall, c'est bon.

In other news, people got angry with me at work today. I just began to type out the long story of why but I realised I can't be bothered. Needless to say, I came home in a crappy mood.

And then, guess what, another 4 episodes of Smallville. The DVDs are due back at Blockbuster tomorrow and I have 4 episodes still to watch. Oh, and of course, the special features! I wish I was faking this enthusiasm.

My room is a bombsite and I'm considering sleeping in my spare room tonight because there is no way I can get to or into my bed. I will tidy it up tomorrow. (Liar).

I'm going to go to bed and read some Kierkegaard. It really is the best cure for insomnia.