Panic, perhaps.

It's funny. I didn't think I'd been away from here for too long and then I read my last entry to find out that it was the day before I got my results from my January exams.

Needless to say, the results for those exams were relatively disappointing. I got a B in economics when in all honesty, I need an A for my university offer. Biology results were fine, and left me only needing another six points to get an A overall.

Anyway, I have taken all but one of my final exams in the past four weeks. I didn't deal with the pressure very well and I'm not sure how well I did on the exams. I revised a lot. But because I'm on the absolute borderline of "Will I, Won't I" get my AAB I panicked incredibly in the knowledge that this one extra mark here could make the difference or this little bit of knowledge there.

I'm tempted to say it would be better had I been a long way off my grades because then you can give up hope and start making alternative plans. The fact that I was - to use the old cliche - so close yet so far - made me develop an almost compulsive obsession with knowing absolutely everything I could. I stressed myself out incredibly so, making sure that I maximised the points of every question I could.

In the end, I think it possibly did more harm than good. I was so worried answering my question directly to the mark scheme that I forgot to actually think for myself and write a decent, well structured, knowledgable answer. In reality, I verbal vomitted onto the page. As soon as I read the question, I'd be off, not thinking what I was writing, just attempting to let everything I'd learned rush out into one incoherent, tangled mass of desperation. Perhaps I over exaggerate. I just know it wasn't my best.

I have one last exam tomorrow. It is a resit of the Economics exam I got a B in January. Motivation is at an all time low... which is why I am procrastinating by writing this. Part of me says that I already have a B in it so theres not much point in resitting it. Part of me wants to give myself a kick and tell myself that its only a few hours of revision that I need to do and that if I miss my grades by a few marks I will never forgive myself for not taking this resit seriously. As you may be able to tell, the former part is currently winning.

Oh well.... it's only my future.